Noise

It's something I gravitate towards... the busyness, hustle and bustle, chatter, talking, white noise, movement. You know, the noise.

And then, when the world falls asleep and we find ourselves in a place of peace and quiet we're not sure how to react. Do we just sit? Do we just listen? Do we just enjoy it?

After living with my grandparents for nine months, I moved into "our temporary home"...alone. Just my girls and I. Just us. For the first time in ten years, I was on my own. In a house that seemed fit for a king and his family.

The girls were away at their dads for the weekend and I was by myself. The first weekend, completely and totally alone. What do I do, how do I spend my time?

I put on my jam jams and settled into an evening of Taco Bell and Netflix... I remember thinking well, this won't be too bad, I'll get used to this... right?

And then... the second day came. Saturday. I filled my day up with running and unloading boxes and as the day settled into dusk, the sun set and I was alone. Just me. In a house fit for a king. This time it was quite and uncomfortable. I was alone. I felt alone.

Choices.

Two choices. I was at a crossroads. This is it. I can call my mom to come sit with me or struggle through it. Tethering on what to do; mom, alone, mom, alone... I almost caved. I called mom and we just sat on the phone. We sat in almost silence, which isn't unusual when you're on a phone call with my mom, we joke that she just likes to hear the other person breath. 😜 I ended the call, took a deep breath and made a decision.

It's time, time to be still. Time to embrace the silence. Time to accept where I am. Hug the space, this big dam silent space filled with lonliness. Time to appreciate the silence. Respect it and walk through it.

It was a moment. A moment that I needed, part of it; part of the process. This will be the new normal. I will spend many nights alone and I will need to learn to be okay with it, at peace.

Choices.

Little ones. Big ones. Choices. They all lead us to something or through something. Many times we can't control them. So, we choose.

I chose the silence that night. Closed my eyes and whispered... Bring it on, I can do this. And so I did.
I struggled through it. I sat with the night. I embraced the quiet.

Today,  I find myself in a present space where the quiet no longer scares me. I don't love the quiet but I am okay with it, I can challenge it and I will win.

So tonight, as I write, I sit with you all in the silence. My girls are snuggled under the covers in their  dreamworld and I sit in the silence from my couch and I share with you a little piece of my journey, a piece of my heart.

I still love the noise, I think I will always love the noise. I gravitate to it, thrive off of it really. I am still learning to enjoy the silence, the stillness. The silence has taught me to appreciate the hectic, the loud, the busy, the conversation, the people, the relationships. The noise, such a beautiful thing.

Happy. Full. 

Natalie