Expectations...

Hey, hey! I'm back.....for the third (and hopefully final) time to pick this whole blogging thing up again. I know, I know... but didn't I do this once (or twice) before? You're correct! Here's the difference - this time, I'm listening to the pull... the pull you ask. (Huh?) The pull, to create a platform that's transparent, honest, fun, courageous and whatever else organically develops from writing and sharing my life. 

Yes (like most of the world out there) I love fashion and food and family and friends and travel and wine and all that good stuff. And absolutely, that will all be shared here!!! But, my hope is this place here on the internet (for the whole world to see) is something that becomes more than a place to find your favorite trends, recipes, sales, etc. 

My hope is that this becomes a community - a place of encouragement and hope. I'm a glass half full kinda gal but a realist as well - we need more of that, don't we? SO much more of that... 

Back in 2015, when I started my journey of becoming divorced and transitioning into a single mom I scowered the internet... searching for a place for divorcee's to go to or even just women who have gone through a tough spot in life and how they navigated through it. My results were limited. When I walked into a room gathered full of people, I searched for a hand that was bare like mine... I needed someone to relate to, to identify with, a connection. It's hard to explain but my network of this sort was limited..... so I began therapy - kidding, kidding... well, kind of.  

First and foremost, I want it to be known that I celebrate marriage, I love, love! I am an advocate for working as hard as you can to make relationships healthy and work. And, I am also a big fan of finding freedom, happiness, and love after divorce/trauma/etc. And, I'm not just talking about the "in love " with someone... but more so, the "self love" when you develop, grow and evolve into the you that you're happy with. You know, that "full" feeling.

Married, divorced, single... whatever box you check (which by the way is one of the hardest thing a newly single person is expected to "fill out" in the beginning) we are all becoming a new version of ourselves. Over time and through life if you are someone who has changed and grown and found or are finding, search or are searching and questioning all the things or maybe even some of the things - this might be the place for you. 

I promise to share my heart with you the good, the bad, the ugly, the real. To cultivate a virtual relationship among those I may or might not ever meet. I can assure you that there will be lots of typo's and grammatical errors, fashion, food, Pinterest fails, family, travel, fun and wine time but also... a whole lot of transparency.  

To my friends out there that are looking for the similar place that I was searching for years ago. I'm her, I'm that place! When you click the x on the upper right hand corner of the screen or swipe off to a new page, I hope you're left with the feeling of sincerity (hence the name) and love. I hope you laugh and feel connected, I hope you ask questions or see new perspectives. 

This is me, happy (most of the time) and full navigating through life the best way I know how. 

Another Year.

Another year. It's that time again, time to celebrate the birth of these sweet little loves of mine!

As I tucked them in tonight I told them the story of their birth. They love hearing true stories, especially about themselves. When finishing the story, I found myself with a huge lump in my throat. Eight years ago today... what an incredible day it was.

Early in the a.m. the pain great more intense and I knew it was almost time. I remember feeling terrified. Were they going to be okay, healthy? I think the true worry landed on was I going to be enough. The mom they needed? Would I be good at this whole mom thing, would I know the words to say in the challenging moments, could I raise them to be good people in society. There were lots of worries and even doubt.

I think thats just something we do as moms, parents really. Worry, hope, pray, and work our asses off to give our kiddo's the best we can... more than we had, even when we had it really good.

When I look at these two tiny humans, I know I am doing something right. Somehow in this life, I am doing what I am called to do as a parent... and I think it's working. Yeah, I fail... all the time but I think we teach them through our failures. They see that we are human, they watch how we recover, and they soak it up and then later... we watch, and we see what they are learning.



My Livi Girl, 

You are the a light. You love bigger than any human I've ever known. You just told me tonight that you're going to adopt one day because lots of babies need mommies. You're 8, I can hardly wrap my mind around how you can already love people that big. It's a special thing my love.

You skip and cartwheel and have absolutely no recollection of what's going on around you because this world is your stage. You only see pink and you make friends with all the strangers out there, which is rather terrifying for your momma but, I think that might be one of those "failures" that I taught you.

You're quick to throw your head back and belly laugh with the best of them but you thrive off your quiet moments alone. I often find you in your room singing to yourself and creating... From trash bag dresses to creating purses out of trash from the trash can you can see the positive and the potential in it all. That's how you see life and people. I hope you are always wired that way, and while your hoareder-like bedroom makes me crazy, I hope you never lose your free spirt. May you always love big and see the good.

Thank you for loving your momma, for tickling my arm, helping me clean up the cat poop, and falling asleep with your hand on my cheek. You remind me that every single day is good. You make me a better person. And I am so thankful and lucky that I was chosen to be your momma. Happy Birthday!


My Londyn Love, 

You are a thinker, an analyzer, a problem solver. You have an integrity about you that most will never know or understand. Your heart is good good good.You are drawn to learn and discover the deep truth of everything.

What I love most about our relationship, is we talk. I love that you will sit with me and ask me thought provoking questions, comprehend it and then push for more. Your curiosity about Jesus makes my heart swell. You already love him so but you have lots of questions. I like that. You don't just blindly believe, you need something tangible to help you understand. Don't ever change that. Always wonder and seek. That will get you far in this life and it will also lead you to feeling fully confident in your decisions. Your level of intellect challenges me every day. You have the capability to move mountains and I am fully confident that you will. Continue to run towards your goals, ask questions and show people what a good good good heart looks like.

You tell me daily, "you know what I did kind today mommy?"And you quickly recognize when others exemplify those similar qualities. Your sweet heart makes me proud and I love you more than you could ever imagine.

Thank you for loving your momma, for spending hours talking to me, for making your bed every morning without being asked, and asking me every night to sing to you. You remind me that every single day is good. You make me a better person. And I am so thankful and lucky that I was chosen to be your momma. Happy Birthday!


Happy. Full.
Natalie

Noise

It's something I gravitate towards... the busyness, hustle and bustle, chatter, talking, white noise, movement. You know, the noise.

And then, when the world falls asleep and we find ourselves in a place of peace and quiet we're not sure how to react. Do we just sit? Do we just listen? Do we just enjoy it?

After living with my grandparents for nine months, I moved into "our temporary home"...alone. Just my girls and I. Just us. For the first time in ten years, I was on my own. In a house that seemed fit for a king and his family.

The girls were away at their dads for the weekend and I was by myself. The first weekend, completely and totally alone. What do I do, how do I spend my time?

I put on my jam jams and settled into an evening of Taco Bell and Netflix... I remember thinking well, this won't be too bad, I'll get used to this... right?

And then... the second day came. Saturday. I filled my day up with running and unloading boxes and as the day settled into dusk, the sun set and I was alone. Just me. In a house fit for a king. This time it was quite and uncomfortable. I was alone. I felt alone.

Choices.

Two choices. I was at a crossroads. This is it. I can call my mom to come sit with me or struggle through it. Tethering on what to do; mom, alone, mom, alone... I almost caved. I called mom and we just sat on the phone. We sat in almost silence, which isn't unusual when you're on a phone call with my mom, we joke that she just likes to hear the other person breath. 😜 I ended the call, took a deep breath and made a decision.

It's time, time to be still. Time to embrace the silence. Time to accept where I am. Hug the space, this big dam silent space filled with lonliness. Time to appreciate the silence. Respect it and walk through it.

It was a moment. A moment that I needed, part of it; part of the process. This will be the new normal. I will spend many nights alone and I will need to learn to be okay with it, at peace.

Choices.

Little ones. Big ones. Choices. They all lead us to something or through something. Many times we can't control them. So, we choose.

I chose the silence that night. Closed my eyes and whispered... Bring it on, I can do this. And so I did.
I struggled through it. I sat with the night. I embraced the quiet.

Today,  I find myself in a present space where the quiet no longer scares me. I don't love the quiet but I am okay with it, I can challenge it and I will win.

So tonight, as I write, I sit with you all in the silence. My girls are snuggled under the covers in their  dreamworld and I sit in the silence from my couch and I share with you a little piece of my journey, a piece of my heart.

I still love the noise, I think I will always love the noise. I gravitate to it, thrive off of it really. I am still learning to enjoy the silence, the stillness. The silence has taught me to appreciate the hectic, the loud, the busy, the conversation, the people, the relationships. The noise, such a beautiful thing.

Happy. Full. 

Natalie

Well, hello there friends...

It's been a while... two year and two months since you all have heard from me over here on Sincerely Natalie Diane. I think I might be ready to pick up this whole blogging thing again.... But don't hold me to it! 😉 

Originally, my intent of this blog was focused on being a lifestyle blog and then, well... everything I knew about "my lifestyle" went up in flames - insert divorce. 😳  

Fast forward to today... I find myself in a place looking for something outside of being a single momma balancing a full time career, loving big on her friends and family, and then there's just something missing. No, not a person... However, when that right guy comes along I will happily greet him with open arms, until then I will patiently wait and find happiness in this life I have right now. Anyhow, that's not the missing thing I'm talking about. It's something else...

I've thought, is it Stella, is that what I miss? Is it lesson planning? Is it searching for the perfect fashion topics to talk about on the blog? Is it coaching my team and striving for that next big stella & dot goal... my answer always lands on No. No. No. That's not it.

And then I got this itch... this itch to write... You see, I've always found writing to be enjoyable, relaxing, therapeutic almost. I blogged the first two years of the girls life and then wrote to them in their own personalized notebooks for the years to follow but in Feb. 2015 when my life turned upside down; I found myself almost paralyzed when it came to writing. I would pick up the pen and put it to the paper and nothing. Not a scribble. I didn't have the words, or the desire... no ideas, nothing. My best friend Christen constantly urge's me to write... she knows that and running are two happy places. Places where I find solace and peace and energy... you know, my fuel. But, I couldn't. It just wouldn't happen...

And then it did. I sat down tonight, retrieved my dusty laptop and revisited Sincerely Natalie Diane. Wow, the previous posts seem like a lifetime ago and yet I can close my eyes and drift back there and it's almost like yesterday that those were "published". 

So tonight, tonight I decide to write. 

Maybe your wondering (as am I)... what is she going to write about (you guys, what on earth shall I write about)... Honestly, I don't know. 

This is what I do know... This time, there is absolutely, positively, No Goal. No pressure. No expectations. I'm not trying to sale you anything, or teach you anything you already don't know. Perhaps this will be another place where I connect with people, where I jot down my thoughts and speak to you transparently about life and kids and clothes and fattening ass food and all the different workout places I try out to keep it all off.  

I would love for you to share with me. What would you like to read, what interests you? If you feel compelled to share that in the comments below, I would love your feedback. 

So my sweet dear friends, welcome back and CHEERS to each of you! 

Happy and Full. 

Natalie